It's that time of the week - injecting a little geographic exploration into an otherwise sedentary life.
***************************************************
This week's post isn't about places I've been - it's about the journey. As they say, sometimes that's the more important part of the experience.
Not when you're afraid to fly.
As a child I can remember loving air travel. Airports were amazing - those boards that went clickety clack with different destinations could keep me captivated for hours. days. Trips to Kennedy airport to pick up visitors were magical.
Once on the plane I easily passed out. More often than not, I would miss dinner and breakfast on our trips to Europe. Mom always made sure that the chocolate from my breakfast tray was saved (loved KLM!). On the flight to England for my semester abroad in college I fell asleep before takeoff and woke after landing. All night long, boisterous college students laughed and talked around me. Who knew?
I remember when it all changed. Shortly after the crash of Swissair Flight 111 I started to get panicked on flights. It was mild fear at first and continued as such for several years. Sometime in the last 4 years it escalated.
I now understood what a full on panic attack felt like. It wasn't nausea that gripped me, it was sheer terror. Any little bump or noise would increase my already rapid heartbeat. My face burned, my palms and the bottom of my feet were sweaty. I didn't want to get off the plane, I just wanted it to land. Now.
As you can imagine, this hasn't made my travel-heavy life any easier. On our honeymoon in Tanzania we took small planes everywhere - very small. Somehow I felt okay. I felt closer to the ground and that was comforting.
Other flights have not gone as well. I've tried different psychological techniques and medication - both work at times. Sheer exhaustion seems to work the best. I can fall asleep. I don't need to know what's going on. I just don't need to know.
Alas, this fear doesn't exactly work with my career - but then the career chose me long before I feared flying. I won't stay home for something like this. I want to see the world.
And so it goes... just keep breathing.
2 comments:
That's awfully rough. I suffered from panic attacks for many years, although in different circumstances from yours. My character in my novel series suffers as you do. It was interesting to read a "real" perspective after living in a fictional head for the past year.
Oh I feel so bad for you--to need to travel, even want to go, but have such panic actually flying. I know after I had my kids all the "fun" of flying was over--I took every flight SERIOUSLY. I didn't want my hubby and I to travel on the same plane so that our sons wouldn't lose both of us--finally my faith over-came the fear. I am grateful for that. I wish you comfort and heart peace and that you over-come the fear too.
Post a Comment